Thoughts....

My friend asked me a really good question the other day, was i still going to go through with my birthday "thing". Thing meaning telling my mother about myself. Coming out. I told her probably so but i wasnt to sure. i just have too much on going on right now and i really havent thought about it as of late seeing as how theres just so much going on right now with school work and trying to keep myself healthy. all of those i am failing at. i have recently started to wonder if school is for me. I mean all i really wanna do is have a good job and make money. im so tired of school and shit. im so stressed out as of late. and most days all i want to do is sleep all day. but back to the main issue of the post. Somedays i just want to tell her and somedays i dont. I mean she probably already knows about me. But i guess i have to actually get comfortable with the idea myself and start loving myself for who i am. just loving me i guess. But its hard feeling like im diffrent from everyone else and not having anyone to turn to or confide in about these issues. Fear of rejection is a big thing and now that i think about i have been rejected my whole entire life.....so why not? I think i will go thru with it. after all i promised myself....

A New Month

Its the 2nd of november and alot of things have happend since the last time i wrote, midterms, getting over people, work, life in general. I Passed my midterm with a C!!!! Boy was i too happy! besides the fact that it seems like im struggling thru schoool[i know im changing my major] and life in general, im surviving. LIFE is still a puzzle to me. I can never just have a clear path of where im going or what i want. Im still trying to find out who i am. The sexuality thing still puzzles me daily. im hoping that this too will one day become clear. Theres like 4 people at work im attracted to. its never a clear thing and ive decided to stop trying to label myself this or that buts its hard being confused and in my head desperately really wanting to know myself.