Thoughts....

My friend asked me a really good question the other day, was i still going to go through with my birthday "thing". Thing meaning telling my mother about myself. Coming out. I told her probably so but i wasnt to sure. i just have too much on going on right now and i really havent thought about it as of late seeing as how theres just so much going on right now with school work and trying to keep myself healthy. all of those i am failing at. i have recently started to wonder if school is for me. I mean all i really wanna do is have a good job and make money. im so tired of school and shit. im so stressed out as of late. and most days all i want to do is sleep all day. but back to the main issue of the post. Somedays i just want to tell her and somedays i dont. I mean she probably already knows about me. But i guess i have to actually get comfortable with the idea myself and start loving myself for who i am. just loving me i guess. But its hard feeling like im diffrent from everyone else and not having anyone to turn to or confide in about these issues. Fear of rejection is a big thing and now that i think about i have been rejected my whole entire life.....so why not? I think i will go thru with it. after all i promised myself....

A New Month

Its the 2nd of november and alot of things have happend since the last time i wrote, midterms, getting over people, work, life in general. I Passed my midterm with a C!!!! Boy was i too happy! besides the fact that it seems like im struggling thru schoool[i know im changing my major] and life in general, im surviving. LIFE is still a puzzle to me. I can never just have a clear path of where im going or what i want. Im still trying to find out who i am. The sexuality thing still puzzles me daily. im hoping that this too will one day become clear. Theres like 4 people at work im attracted to. its never a clear thing and ive decided to stop trying to label myself this or that buts its hard being confused and in my head desperately really wanting to know myself.

As i sit here in the lab browsing myspace looking at all the people who take it way too serious... i sit and laugh to myself. Most of the time i am simply looking at peoples[The Ones *Like Me*] pages and i wonder to myself why i cant be this confident in who i am as a person as these people are. I have never been the type to think of myself as better than i am or think to highly of myself or anything i have attempted to do, but sometimes i sit and wonder why do i care what people think about me. Why do i waste so much time thinking about what people will say about me in the future or what they think about me now? I dunno... but i find myself sometimes conforming to society and not just being the person i want to be. I guess i feel as if im not being true to myself in a way. Honestly i just want to be free of all inhibitions and live a happy satisfied life, doing what i want to do when i want to do it. I think this is mostly part of my desire to move away from this place. One thing i always wanted to do when i was growing up was move away and start over. Go to somewhere completely new where no one knows me and start over. Of course that never happened. There has always been and will probably always be some sort of roadblock in my path slowing me down or forcing me to go in a diffrent direction than what i want. Its always been hard for me growing up and its not as hard as it has been in the past right now at the present time, but emotionally and mentally it is hard. Its hard living a lie knowing i want to go left but i continually go right because everyone else is. Its hard knowing alot of things and just barely getting by but i have no choice. I have no choice in alot of things id like to have control over. What i really wanna know is what lies ahead of me, and if im barely making it now how will i make it when that time comes?

Friday The 13th // All About Me

Its Friday.... im so upset because i have to go to work at 2-11 which is a 9 hour shift. i get outta school at 1. I dunno who the hell my boss thinks she is but im not doing anymore 2-11's after today. Its just outta the question i really dont know who told her to schedule me for a 2-11 seeing as how i never worked a 9 hour shift before. This job is really getting on my last nerve. Then i have to go to work 2morrow from 3-11. But i know when i look at this schedule today or 2morrow i better have only 3 days or less. Im not playing. Yesterday L confirmed what i have been knowing for a while now. And now i can get over the whole thing. I didnt even let it affect me because deep down i had already known. So i just kept it movin. Im just kind of in the mindframe that its all about me right now. I just dont have the time to take on others emotional & physical problems at the moment. I feel like i have my own shit to deal with on a daily basis. School and Work is stressful enough. A Friend has shown her true colors. But its way not important. I guess im gonna use this time to Upgrade Myself into the person i want and need to be. For the sake of my own Physical And Emotional happiness. Its time to do me. Im just not gonna let anything hold me down or be a road block anymore. I can only worry about me and what i need. And thats what i think ill do from this day on.

Bored As All Hell

sRight now im sitting in the lab bored as all hell. i feel like i been working for a week straight..... hold on i think i did, almost. All im looking forward to today is going home and getting under the covers till about 2 or 3. I really just wanna lay down. Well, i really just wanna lay down next to someone lol. Speaking of someone L spoke to me the other day. I was standing outside the library with my friend who i was letting talk on my phone when L walked outta the library and said whats up and we shook hands. Can u say Progress. Lol. Sike but foreal let me stop. I wont say that i wasnt surprised tho. Kinda shocked my day went kinda well afterwards. :) I was a happy camper so to speak. Since the last time i wrote i have been just constantly working and school. As soon as i get outta school its work at 3. Thank god that today i am off and can just relax a little before school 2morrow. Besides that things have been going aight. Nothing interesting has happened. eh......