Accomplishments

I finished my first year of school......... This time next year ill have graduated and with gods good graces have a job lined up or be already working in my career field.

I finally made it out of ohio.......THANK GOD!!!!! I'm now a resident of VA and I'm liking my stay so far. I had to get away from the blackerdry. I hope to never have OH in my address again.

I QUIT smoking weed..... Good times lol. I'm done doing that, it was bettering me in no way and was affecting my life negatively...... I hope to never smoke again!

I finally realized that sometimes love just isn't meant to be even if the 2 people love each other. As madea says some people are meant to be for just a season..... I'm hoping to run into one that's around for a lifetime........

I met a lot of good people this year. A lot of friends that I hope to have forever. Even after coming out.

This year I came out to my sister. It was somehow very easy to do this.I knew it wouldn't change anything either way. My little sister loves me.

I'm taking the necessary steps to build a relationship with my father and his side of my family. It took along time for me to get over things but I did. And now I'm trying to make the best of the time we have left.

For '09 I hope to•

-Get my car up and running!
-Graduate with my associates in CNS.
-Secure a job in my career field.....hopefully network security.
-Hopefully move into my own apartment and stand on my own 2 feet!
-After moving out find the strength to come out..... The biggest hurdle it seems....
-Continue working out! Tryna get my booty and my body right lol!!!! Get get get it right!!!!
Have more fun than I did in '08 and just live a happier healthier me.

IM READY

It took me forever to get over him. It took forever for my heart to heal..... My foolish heart. I finally got over my first love, my first boyfriend. I went from wanting to bust his windows to being able to talk to him and not feel anything when I heard his voice on the other end of the phone. It was weird not feeling my heartbeat accelerate, not twinge, not drop in the pit of my stomach, not spark. Nothing. I felt nothing. It was a normal conversation and at the end of it I think he could tell that I'm past the whole thing. I told him how I was doing and how good I felt. I asked him how things were back at home and he sounded bitter as he replied, "whatever". All in all I believe we can be friends. We definitely won't talk everyday, week or month. Were too[2] diffrent people, down 2 diffrent paths, going 2 diffrent places, living 2 diffrent lives. At the moment I believe We definitely won't be together again..... not until he can mature. This will probably be the last time I write about him besides the casual comparison or reference. That chapter is finally done.... closed. I know this for sure.
Like I said I don't think it will ever work and I'm content with just saying the casual hello. Besides I always knew my heart would let me know.


Its been 7 months that I've been single. I think I'm finally ready to date. I'm finally ready to take the right approach, to actually get to know a guy. I'm finally ready to enjoy another man's company in my life. Maturity, self-motivation, a drive to live life, broaden their horizons, and reach their goals are important. Personality is key and looks aren't everything but they are a plus[ the icing on the cake]. I feel as if Ill probably only find these qualities in a older guy. Which is fine I have always liked older men [The first guy I ever had sex with was 18yrs older than me]. But it would also be nice to find somone around my age who wants the same things I do. Race/nationality isn't a issue but I have the strongest attraction of all to Latinos. Its always been that way for me since I was like 6.... They do it for me. I dunno. I'm not looking for the man of my dreams right now just someone mature and like-minded. Someone who wants to go places, take the steps to get there, and is willing to grow with me.... I want a companion.....


Now if I could only find one out here in or near fredericksburg, VA. I just can't seem to see a single gay guy out here. I'm always attracted to the straight ones............

My luck........ :[

Another addition

So...... Now theirs 7 people in this household since my brother[stepbro] came down to live...... He's 19 and a bunch of trouble from what I've heard. I hear he has anger issues and is hardheaded. He has 2 kids no job and no diploma, ran up his gramas cable bill to 600 dollars ordering porn, steals, and has been locked up on more than 1 occasion. His first day here he tells me the real reason why he came here and why he didn't tell anyone else. He has a unpaid fine in ohio and now he has a warrant out. He says he's only down here for a year because he can't stay away from his kids for too long.[I ask my dad about his kids and he says he wasn't doing nothing for them anyway]. I haven't seen him since we were 11 and he was 9 when I came to VA the 1st time for the summer. He was part of the reason I didn't stay to live because he was a fucking annoying ass bug a boo. I had already whooped dat ass twice that summer and I couldn't fathom living with him everyday. Now he's here and on catching up with him he tells me how he's down here to change but then in the same breath tells me how he can't wait to find some bitches[cuz he loves to do them dirty, he claims]. After an hour of arriving he's already talking about smoking weed and starts to search the house for something to roll up in. he ends up taking some of the paper out of my shoe box u know that greyish kind they stuff in sneakers when their brand new. According to him this is what they do in jail, mind u it was his 2nd choice he first looked for his mama tampons..... He rolls up and goes into the backyard. Already disrespecting the house. I know what I came down here to do and nothing is sidetracking me. He reminds me of the typical lorain/elyria ohio black male. Its sad. he swears he's" a rapper, he pulls mad bitches, and a dancer[the boy started crumping and pop locking last night in the living room floor yall....what?????]. This boy gtta get it together today he tells me he had stabbed some boy when he was down here that's why they shipped him back to ohio the first time when he was 13. He brags proudly about this fact. All he could talk about today was finding his old friends numbers so he can hang cuz "he can't wait to get to the mall to game bitches". Complete mess.......[BLACKERD!]

On notice that he was coming to live I text my cousin and she says, "the only reason he coming down there is because he prolly heard you were going down there to live." I told her I don't know but I'm focused on me, I know what I came to do and I'm gonna do it I can't worry about nobody else. My dad was fighting with himself because he said he aint know if he wanted the headache and that he tired of the boy dissapointing his mom and seeing her hurt. I dunno yall but I can already see the tension. I don't know how this will unfold but ill definitely keep you tuned in....

[Lord knows I won't do another post from my blackberry]

Out

Since I have arrived in Va the thing that has been running through my mind the most [besides men of course] is coming out to my father. This has been on my mind hard lately and i just cant seem to decide if i still want to do it. I think its because the outcome could be a number of things and iI dont think he will be happy about it at all. Not at all. I was so sure i was going to do it but didnt know when..... Now im not sure if i ever want to do it. Me and father dont have the best relationship and im trying to build a better one with him now, but im wondering will me telling him this set us back at square one. I dont want that. Sometimes I feel as if im acting like the rest of america and just making a overdramatic big deal about something I shouldnt worry about. As long as I love who I am it shouldnt matter..... right? But at the end of the day I feel as if I need his acceptance. I really Do. I feel like I wont be complete without it. But really thats all I want is his Acceptance [I have my moms] The rest of the world can go to hell for all I care. I really just dont know. The one thing im sure of is I should wait until i move out to do it. Lol. That I think would be th smartest move unless by some chance im forced to confront the issue sooner......... I Dunno. Im Utterly Confused.

I really dont know what to do.......

[Any Advice on this issue is greatly appreciated......]

First 48 Hrs

I'm finally here in VA and things are relaxing. I had a breakdown the night before i was to leave because it hit me so hard that I was actually leaving the only place I knew and all the people I loved. I cried like a baby as Ii told everyone goodbye but I knew there was no turning back and I knew I was doing the right thing for myself.



What shouldve been a 7 hr drive took 11 hours due to holiday traffic. I didnt mind tho I slept a majority of it and it wasnt bad at all I needed the sleep.



I went to Crystal City and ate chipotle for the 1st time [after hearing so many people rant and rave abot their food] why my dad finished his job. (Chipotle is the bomb). My school played me. I get all the way down here to finish up the paperwork and get my classes together and they tell me they dont offer my major. I have to switch back to CNS because none of them offer it down here. PISSED!!!!!!! I SAW RED!!!! Why after calling here on a weekly basis for 3 months and telling you this was the major i was into no one saud oh yeah btw we offer your major but we dont teach it because theres no demand for it here and we have trouble placing students in tha field. AGAIN I SAW RED!!!!!!!! But in the end I did what I had to do and switched back. I Am so pissed about losing 3 credits and now my graduation has been pushed back to a year instead of 9 months. My dad tells me to stay positive and look at it as a blessing. Thats what im trying to do.



But so far that has been my first day and a half of my new begining.