When It All Falls Down

Friday, Dec 2, 2009. A day in infamy.

As I awoke that morning and left my house at about 9 or so with my brothers,sister and stepmother to go job hunting till about 3:30 that afternoon I had no idea what was in store for me that night.....

At about 9:45pm an argument erupted. My 9 year old twin brothers and my 5 year old sister got into an argument with my 19yr old stepbrother about what to watch on tv... [I sometimes think that he forgets their 9 and he's 19]. He insisted on watching [drumroll please.....] Real Chance of Love! [Yknow those
I love New York rejects] when he knows these kids are not allowed to watch this foolish blackerdry. The argument erupts when we get done watching the rerun of the 2008 BET awards[bore....] And he turns to VH1 the home of washed up reality shows and they wanted to watch Transformers[with sexy white boy Shia Lebeouf....Hello!!]. They start screaming at him and him at them about what to watch. Their mother comes down and demands to know what's going on? They tell their side of the story and he his and she tells him like he already didn't know that they're not allowed to watch that type of stuff. He can watch it when their sleep or not home. He still doesn't turn and the kids turn the cable box off. He with the remote turns it back on. They go back and forth for a solid 60 seconds turning it on and off until his mom screams"stop playing with the tv." He still doesn't turn from the show. My dad in his office upon hearing the argument comes from his office to the living room snatches the remote and turns the tv off. And says "now nobodys watching nothing." The youngest twin says "thanks for ruining it for us M [that's what well call him]." M gets up and says "so what we can do that too" and heads to grab the kitchen phone and says you "crybaby niggas!" At this point I knew some drama was going to pop off for 2 reasons.

1. They had already had numerous talks about him arguing with the children like he is their age, calling them names, and watching what he says around them cause their impressionable [and the oldest twin looks up to us his 2 older brothers.] And he has a dirty mouth and is always cussing and using words like nigga in front of them and these kids are growing up in a rich suburb neighborhood-go to church every sunday household and knows nothing about what he be saying... They asked my dad why does he talk like that and use crazy words....'nuff said
2. I heard my dad's footsteps stop in their tracks at the word "nigga" at the end of the sentence...... It was about to go down.

My dad says "what you say?" M says "you heard me!" And turns into the dining room phone in hand. Cussing and talking shit to my dad as my dad comes up behind him and his wife behind him. They head into the hallway by the front door and my dad slaps the phone out his hand and tells him to "respect me and my house and watch your damn mouth!". Before my dad could finish his sentence M jumps back and takes a swing. At this point I'm shocked. No he didn't. I see my dad run after him and the next thing I know glass is breaking and I hear someone hit a wall[I was later informed M got thrown up against the wall]. As I am still sitting with my sister on my lap I look at my 3 younger siblings and they're all looking excited yet confused and are all looking at each other as they hear the thundering commotion 2 rooms away. I get up I tell them "stay here don't move." As I run into the hallway theirs broken bulbs from the christmas tree on the floor and his wife is opening the door and she's saying "stop them they tearing up my house.... [My goverment name]they tearing up my house. Yall take it outside!" As I look I see them on the floor M on the bottom my dad holding him down in some kind of wrestling move. All I could say was "oh my god oh my god" as I stood in shock as this was the first time I watched a fight and knew not what to do. I grab my dad and tell him "stop.... Yall stop".... He says "get off me!" I let his arm go it wasn't like I was really getting him off the boy anyway. My dad finally let him go and they stood up and starting squaring up for another round. I jumped in the middle and told them to stop the kids are in here and it seemed to calm them down. M walked away talkin shit and my dad hit him again which M proclaimed was a punk ass hit. Him mom then told him to get his stuff and go he had to leave her house. He got his stuff and upon leaving started talkin shit from upstairs about how he won the fight. After calming my dad down the boy left.... Only to return a couple hours later trying to kick the doors and windows in trying to bait my dad outside. The alarm went off and 3 police came and told him to walk or he would be arrested. After the police left he returned to play with the doorbell for about an hour. Then finally he went to a family friends down the street.....

The next day he was bought a bus ticket that our family friend picked up and took him to the bus station. They said he looked depressed as they dropped him off and the whole thing was sad.

Today it hit me while sitting in church. I felt bad for him in a way and wondered how he must feel and what he was thinking and going to do now. They boy has a warrant in ohio. It hit his mom also who cried today and talked to the pastor and his wife. She hasn't been herself since the whole thing and has been sleep ever since we came home from church. I know my dads prolly done with him and I think she's finally tired of feeling the slap in the face from trying to help her son all these years and he doesn't take the help. I have mixed emotions about it but I'm staying focused on what I gotta do....

I just hope he one day finds his way.....

Psalm 144:1-2

1  Blessed be the LORD my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight:
2  my goodness, and my fortress; my high tower, and my deliverer; my shield, and he in whom I trust; who subdueth my people under me.

Accomplishments

I finished my first year of school......... This time next year ill have graduated and with gods good graces have a job lined up or be already working in my career field.

I finally made it out of ohio.......THANK GOD!!!!! I'm now a resident of VA and I'm liking my stay so far. I had to get away from the blackerdry. I hope to never have OH in my address again.

I QUIT smoking weed..... Good times lol. I'm done doing that, it was bettering me in no way and was affecting my life negatively...... I hope to never smoke again!

I finally realized that sometimes love just isn't meant to be even if the 2 people love each other. As madea says some people are meant to be for just a season..... I'm hoping to run into one that's around for a lifetime........

I met a lot of good people this year. A lot of friends that I hope to have forever. Even after coming out.

This year I came out to my sister. It was somehow very easy to do this.I knew it wouldn't change anything either way. My little sister loves me.

I'm taking the necessary steps to build a relationship with my father and his side of my family. It took along time for me to get over things but I did. And now I'm trying to make the best of the time we have left.

For '09 I hope to•

-Get my car up and running!
-Graduate with my associates in CNS.
-Secure a job in my career field.....hopefully network security.
-Hopefully move into my own apartment and stand on my own 2 feet!
-After moving out find the strength to come out..... The biggest hurdle it seems....
-Continue working out! Tryna get my booty and my body right lol!!!! Get get get it right!!!!
Have more fun than I did in '08 and just live a happier healthier me.

IM READY

It took me forever to get over him. It took forever for my heart to heal..... My foolish heart. I finally got over my first love, my first boyfriend. I went from wanting to bust his windows to being able to talk to him and not feel anything when I heard his voice on the other end of the phone. It was weird not feeling my heartbeat accelerate, not twinge, not drop in the pit of my stomach, not spark. Nothing. I felt nothing. It was a normal conversation and at the end of it I think he could tell that I'm past the whole thing. I told him how I was doing and how good I felt. I asked him how things were back at home and he sounded bitter as he replied, "whatever". All in all I believe we can be friends. We definitely won't talk everyday, week or month. Were too[2] diffrent people, down 2 diffrent paths, going 2 diffrent places, living 2 diffrent lives. At the moment I believe We definitely won't be together again..... not until he can mature. This will probably be the last time I write about him besides the casual comparison or reference. That chapter is finally done.... closed. I know this for sure.
Like I said I don't think it will ever work and I'm content with just saying the casual hello. Besides I always knew my heart would let me know.


Its been 7 months that I've been single. I think I'm finally ready to date. I'm finally ready to take the right approach, to actually get to know a guy. I'm finally ready to enjoy another man's company in my life. Maturity, self-motivation, a drive to live life, broaden their horizons, and reach their goals are important. Personality is key and looks aren't everything but they are a plus[ the icing on the cake]. I feel as if Ill probably only find these qualities in a older guy. Which is fine I have always liked older men [The first guy I ever had sex with was 18yrs older than me]. But it would also be nice to find somone around my age who wants the same things I do. Race/nationality isn't a issue but I have the strongest attraction of all to Latinos. Its always been that way for me since I was like 6.... They do it for me. I dunno. I'm not looking for the man of my dreams right now just someone mature and like-minded. Someone who wants to go places, take the steps to get there, and is willing to grow with me.... I want a companion.....


Now if I could only find one out here in or near fredericksburg, VA. I just can't seem to see a single gay guy out here. I'm always attracted to the straight ones............

My luck........ :[

Another addition

So...... Now theirs 7 people in this household since my brother[stepbro] came down to live...... He's 19 and a bunch of trouble from what I've heard. I hear he has anger issues and is hardheaded. He has 2 kids no job and no diploma, ran up his gramas cable bill to 600 dollars ordering porn, steals, and has been locked up on more than 1 occasion. His first day here he tells me the real reason why he came here and why he didn't tell anyone else. He has a unpaid fine in ohio and now he has a warrant out. He says he's only down here for a year because he can't stay away from his kids for too long.[I ask my dad about his kids and he says he wasn't doing nothing for them anyway]. I haven't seen him since we were 11 and he was 9 when I came to VA the 1st time for the summer. He was part of the reason I didn't stay to live because he was a fucking annoying ass bug a boo. I had already whooped dat ass twice that summer and I couldn't fathom living with him everyday. Now he's here and on catching up with him he tells me how he's down here to change but then in the same breath tells me how he can't wait to find some bitches[cuz he loves to do them dirty, he claims]. After an hour of arriving he's already talking about smoking weed and starts to search the house for something to roll up in. he ends up taking some of the paper out of my shoe box u know that greyish kind they stuff in sneakers when their brand new. According to him this is what they do in jail, mind u it was his 2nd choice he first looked for his mama tampons..... He rolls up and goes into the backyard. Already disrespecting the house. I know what I came down here to do and nothing is sidetracking me. He reminds me of the typical lorain/elyria ohio black male. Its sad. he swears he's" a rapper, he pulls mad bitches, and a dancer[the boy started crumping and pop locking last night in the living room floor yall....what?????]. This boy gtta get it together today he tells me he had stabbed some boy when he was down here that's why they shipped him back to ohio the first time when he was 13. He brags proudly about this fact. All he could talk about today was finding his old friends numbers so he can hang cuz "he can't wait to get to the mall to game bitches". Complete mess.......[BLACKERD!]

On notice that he was coming to live I text my cousin and she says, "the only reason he coming down there is because he prolly heard you were going down there to live." I told her I don't know but I'm focused on me, I know what I came to do and I'm gonna do it I can't worry about nobody else. My dad was fighting with himself because he said he aint know if he wanted the headache and that he tired of the boy dissapointing his mom and seeing her hurt. I dunno yall but I can already see the tension. I don't know how this will unfold but ill definitely keep you tuned in....

[Lord knows I won't do another post from my blackberry]