6 Months

Its actually hit me. My bestfriend is officially In England. For the next 6 months my bestfriend will be studying abroad in europe. Im so happy for her, this is a once in a lifetime experience and i know she will soak up every minute of it like a sponge. Im so so Proud of her and the women she is becoming. She is one of the very few females that i went to school with and is actually doing something positive with her life. I couldnt be more happy for her.



But at the same time i am sad. I mean my bestfriend is gone for 6 months what am i to do. I guess i can take this next 6 month period as a stepping stone to get alot of things done, accomplish alot of goals, and not be where i am today.

And Atleast ill get to see plenty of pictures and hear plenty of stories. I cant wait.

Communication

Yesterday i was supposed to go out wit my boyfriend and his friends or whatever. but he pissed me off and i said fuck it. I didnt answer his calls or his texts all night. So I called him this morning to talk to him. Like usual his first response is he doesnt care. Thats what pisses me off. He can never seem to meet me halfway in this relationship. He cant seem to talk to me about anything. i cant have a decent conversation without him half-ass paying attention and then cussing me out and hanging up. I guess im kinda tired of it. Im tired of not having communication. Being in love with someone whos not in love with me and cant meet me halfway on anything. Someone Who disregards what i say and simply doesnt care about me and my feelings. Like when i called him today and told him i was mad at him he goes i dont care so what. I dont feel like talkin to you right now. So im going to give him his space, because at this point Its what ive been saying from the beginning. My feelings and what i say dont count. Theres no communication. He simply doesnt care. This is my first relationship so i came into expecting nothing. But i atleast thought there would be a middle ground where i could talk to him. I guess theres not. We have been together about 4 months. Im Sick of his attitude. He just cant seem to listen to me. And when hes listening its going in one ear and out the other. I Dont know. I guess i need a break.

On The Move.....

Usually i sit back and laugh at people who are way too serious about myspace. But seeing as how i actually went to school with this person i just had to talk about it. Cause its a damn mess. MESS!

I know a girl who gave up a track scholarship to stay and go to community college, end up getting pregnant, and now is trying to blow up and make a modeling career out of her myspace page (I.E. Cassie, Tila Tequila, 50 Million other people With myspace pages.) After getting pregnant, dropping out of school, getting duped by numerous guys who shes given money and her car too and ended up fucked over she still the same airhead and making the same mistakes. Quite frankly I'm never one to hate but this girl was book smart as hell and a complete Airhead when it came to the streets. In her aspirations to become a model she is now doing local videos for local artists around the Cleveland area ( and i mean none of the ones they actually play on the radio). She has done about 3 of these local low budget videos. So low budget shes worn the same outfit in 2 of the 3 videos. Shes doing the usual video girl role in these videos: dancing in close to nothing, for people who have close to nothing. Especially in the video she danced in made by someone who is from our hometown and every nigga in the video was someone i went to high school with and either didn't graduate, dropped out, has 3-4 baby mamas, doesn't want to graduate and is complacent with staying in the bum town we call home because here the girls think they shit. No Aspirations. When i seen these videos i was in awe because she was someone who could have went somewhere and done something with her life. Instead shes using her myspace page to try and blowup. I find it sad that shes a self proclaimed Official Aspiring Model-Video Girl-Actress On the Move. Shes willing to do anything from weddings, nudity, birthdays to barmitzvahs. This girl is serious and i hear while shes working part time at Ponderosa that she may not even be getting paid to do these videos. On her page you can find her in many photoshoots shes done in her Video Outfit. and shes even posted a new photoshoot of her in a bubblebath in her bikini. Whats it sound like to you? I really think this girl needs to enroll back in school, Take care of her child and get her shit together. She is constant comic relief to me and my bestfriend, both of us having went to school with her her since about 7th grade. I dont know about the people that live around me. Everyones so complacent. It sickens me and reminds me of why i try to get out of here and why i stayed outta the crowd during highschool. I Would post her videos from youtube but i dont want to embarrass her anymore than shes does herself because there hasnt been one time where someone mentions her name and they bring up the videos and laugh at her. Maybe its her dream, But if Video Modeling was my ultimate goal in life, I would feel defeated, wonder where ill be in 5 years and know that i still have a lot to learn.

Relieved..... [Thank You God]

I can honestly say god does listen to you when you speak to him. the last week i been talkin bout my school / car situation and how i might have had to drop for lack of transportation. I was down for a long time. Not Myself. I really didnt know what i was gonna do. So about saturday i gave up. I mean i gave up i had no options at this point. At that point i hit my knees and prayed and told god i was putting it in his hands, only he could find me something at this point. Not to go to church on you or anything but Im thankful for transportaion at this point. Monday i went to school and told my recruiter about my car troubles, she said she would see what she can do. wednesday rolled around and she told me about this girl from my area who had the exact same classes as i do. So i talked to the chick wednesday and she said she dont have no problem doing it. Ill hit her up wit some gas money and its all good.




Thank You.

No matter how hard i try to stay optimistic about my school / car situation i just cant seem to find a way. I just find it so hard to believe that i will probably have to drop out of school soon. It hurts me deeply. I really don't want to drop out of school and at this point dropping out mid semester will cause me to have to start paying back these student loans immediately and will probably damage my financial aid. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude but i keep breaking down. I'm at a loss. I Have no other options. I guess I'm done. I Really don't know what to do. I Really don't. Its coming around the corner so quickly and i still dont have a ride to school Wednesday or Friday. What will i due. I thought i would atleast have until tax time but at they way things are going i wont have such luck.


GOD! PLEASE HELP ME!

Jeopardy

Jeopardy: Risk of loss or injury; peril or danger.

I used to ask myself could my life get any worse. I'll never ask myself that question again because the answer is it always can. These days life just seems to get worse for me. It just seems to crush me without any effort or hesitation. I feel like a fool. No. I Am A Fool. I am a fool to think that things will ever change for me. I would have to be a fool to think that i can make my life worth something, to think that things would ever look up for me, to think that I could ever make the life for me that i always wanted. What a fool. How Foolish Of Me. Right now i am losing everything, everything including my mind. Right now i feel like drowning myself. I don't feel like living. After all, i have nothing to live for. Not a damn thing. My light just keeps getting dimmer, my spirit broken smaller, hope is nonexistent, Faith........ Faith......... My mind draws a blank. It's only me now, and as you can tell there is not much of me left. I honesty don't see anything ahead of me anymore. It has all faded into the darkness, faded back into the naive imagination from which it came. The only thing i see ahead of me now is small, dark, and cold. All i see is me back into that corner from which i came. No escape. No help. No One. Nothing. Just me and a pair of arms i know so well. Small, Dark, Cold, Me, Those arms, Those tears. The only things that have stayed consistent. The things i know so well.

Whats left of me now?

How immature of me.

How foolish of me.......