Thoughts....

My friend asked me a really good question the other day, was i still going to go through with my birthday "thing". Thing meaning telling my mother about myself. Coming out. I told her probably so but i wasnt to sure. i just have too much on going on right now and i really havent thought about it as of late seeing as how theres just so much going on right now with school work and trying to keep myself healthy. all of those i am failing at. i have recently started to wonder if school is for me. I mean all i really wanna do is have a good job and make money. im so tired of school and shit. im so stressed out as of late. and most days all i want to do is sleep all day. but back to the main issue of the post. Somedays i just want to tell her and somedays i dont. I mean she probably already knows about me. But i guess i have to actually get comfortable with the idea myself and start loving myself for who i am. just loving me i guess. But its hard feeling like im diffrent from everyone else and not having anyone to turn to or confide in about these issues. Fear of rejection is a big thing and now that i think about i have been rejected my whole entire life.....so why not? I think i will go thru with it. after all i promised myself....

A New Month

Its the 2nd of november and alot of things have happend since the last time i wrote, midterms, getting over people, work, life in general. I Passed my midterm with a C!!!! Boy was i too happy! besides the fact that it seems like im struggling thru schoool[i know im changing my major] and life in general, im surviving. LIFE is still a puzzle to me. I can never just have a clear path of where im going or what i want. Im still trying to find out who i am. The sexuality thing still puzzles me daily. im hoping that this too will one day become clear. Theres like 4 people at work im attracted to. its never a clear thing and ive decided to stop trying to label myself this or that buts its hard being confused and in my head desperately really wanting to know myself.

As i sit here in the lab browsing myspace looking at all the people who take it way too serious... i sit and laugh to myself. Most of the time i am simply looking at peoples[The Ones *Like Me*] pages and i wonder to myself why i cant be this confident in who i am as a person as these people are. I have never been the type to think of myself as better than i am or think to highly of myself or anything i have attempted to do, but sometimes i sit and wonder why do i care what people think about me. Why do i waste so much time thinking about what people will say about me in the future or what they think about me now? I dunno... but i find myself sometimes conforming to society and not just being the person i want to be. I guess i feel as if im not being true to myself in a way. Honestly i just want to be free of all inhibitions and live a happy satisfied life, doing what i want to do when i want to do it. I think this is mostly part of my desire to move away from this place. One thing i always wanted to do when i was growing up was move away and start over. Go to somewhere completely new where no one knows me and start over. Of course that never happened. There has always been and will probably always be some sort of roadblock in my path slowing me down or forcing me to go in a diffrent direction than what i want. Its always been hard for me growing up and its not as hard as it has been in the past right now at the present time, but emotionally and mentally it is hard. Its hard living a lie knowing i want to go left but i continually go right because everyone else is. Its hard knowing alot of things and just barely getting by but i have no choice. I have no choice in alot of things id like to have control over. What i really wanna know is what lies ahead of me, and if im barely making it now how will i make it when that time comes?

Friday The 13th // All About Me

Its Friday.... im so upset because i have to go to work at 2-11 which is a 9 hour shift. i get outta school at 1. I dunno who the hell my boss thinks she is but im not doing anymore 2-11's after today. Its just outta the question i really dont know who told her to schedule me for a 2-11 seeing as how i never worked a 9 hour shift before. This job is really getting on my last nerve. Then i have to go to work 2morrow from 3-11. But i know when i look at this schedule today or 2morrow i better have only 3 days or less. Im not playing. Yesterday L confirmed what i have been knowing for a while now. And now i can get over the whole thing. I didnt even let it affect me because deep down i had already known. So i just kept it movin. Im just kind of in the mindframe that its all about me right now. I just dont have the time to take on others emotional & physical problems at the moment. I feel like i have my own shit to deal with on a daily basis. School and Work is stressful enough. A Friend has shown her true colors. But its way not important. I guess im gonna use this time to Upgrade Myself into the person i want and need to be. For the sake of my own Physical And Emotional happiness. Its time to do me. Im just not gonna let anything hold me down or be a road block anymore. I can only worry about me and what i need. And thats what i think ill do from this day on.

Bored As All Hell

sRight now im sitting in the lab bored as all hell. i feel like i been working for a week straight..... hold on i think i did, almost. All im looking forward to today is going home and getting under the covers till about 2 or 3. I really just wanna lay down. Well, i really just wanna lay down next to someone lol. Speaking of someone L spoke to me the other day. I was standing outside the library with my friend who i was letting talk on my phone when L walked outta the library and said whats up and we shook hands. Can u say Progress. Lol. Sike but foreal let me stop. I wont say that i wasnt surprised tho. Kinda shocked my day went kinda well afterwards. :) I was a happy camper so to speak. Since the last time i wrote i have been just constantly working and school. As soon as i get outta school its work at 3. Thank god that today i am off and can just relax a little before school 2morrow. Besides that things have been going aight. Nothing interesting has happened. eh......

Work @ 7:00 AM :(

Scheduled for 7-3am. womp womp womp. Im so tired of workin that shift. I like 7-1 But me and 7-3 dont exactly See Eye To Eye. Im so tired of workin there. Where are all the good jobs.... Its sad really. Im So Tired of working so much and still not having shit to show. I need a car and then an apartment like NOW! Like i have to get outta here soon. I have to stop BS'ing around. And Really get on my JOB. I Didnt get Anything Accomplished today. Nothing. I Slept For Most Of It. :(

Another Rainy Day

Its Friday....

Got work after school, good thing its not till one or id be pissed if it was at 3. I have been getting back focused into my school work thank god.

Yesterday im all blowed in the car with my cousin. We stop to get some gas and my phone rings. I look on the caller ID to see my cousins name so i answer forgetting that she told me my dad would be in town this weekend. She like your dad here im like in my head [who cares?] so i start laughin party because im blowed and partly because im surprised. Then my cousin starts talkin to me and i lose my train of thought meanwhile the cousin on the phone says to call her back. So i give my cuzzo the dollar and breathe a few minutes then i call her back. He answers the phone. Our conversations are already odd and weird already theyve never been quite father & son type convos and the fact that im blowed made it weirder. But we did the usual small talk and He said he'd talk to me later since they were about to do something. it was weird as usual and random thoughts ran through my head afterwards. But at the end of the day there is no hard feelings from me toward him, But i wont act like were Best Friends either..... So..... Only Time Will Tell.

Another Week....

This is just another begining of another week. All my weeks start and end the same way....

I went to see how withdrawing from english would affect my Financial Aid. It Wont but she said it would be better if i tried to complete. I havent been to class in like 2 weeks maybe, but im gonna go back wednesday and try to complete everything from this point on. Not just in English but everyclass. I really need to get my shit together, but its hard times right now. Especially trying to balance school, work, HomeWork and all the other countless things i need to do like eating, sleeping, getting a drivers license. The list goes on. many things i could have accomplished already if i didnt work so damn much. Work is driving me crazy. literally to the point where i now have heart palpitations. Something i never had before in my damn life. Ive rapidly lost weight since i started working. it just doenst seem fair all the shit i go through. But life isnt fair now is it? Its cool tho cuz i once i get the required amount of money in the bank im quitting and finding another job. Im tired of going to work being taken advantage by white people. Too bad i have to go to work today and tommorow. Im really sick of it. My head has been pounding since this morning and my heart doing the same on and off.

I look at myself in the mirror often and am disgusted with my appearance. I look like a stick figure. It seemed like just when i was getting comfortable with what i looked like, and who i was as a person everything started to crumble slowly around me. Nothing is positive right now. There is nothing that i can honestly look at in a positive light and be happy about at the moment. Nothing.

Weekend

This weekend like every weekend was spent working at my place of employment. The place where i work like a slave and bring home very little. I really want to quit, but at the end of the day what would i do about money? From dealing with unpleasent customers to lazy ass bosses with equally lazy ass kids made my day hell. There hasnt been a highlight to this day yet, But then again is there ever a highlight to anyday in my life...... I Think Not. I miss doing even the little things i used to like going to Super K or driving around all night or getting Baskin Robbins Nightly with the Bops, even watching tv.

I feel like once i get this check and save up just a little more Dinero i will be able to purchase myself a car and do what ever my heart pleases. It will be even a joy to drive myself to school, leave and go when i please, visit whomever i want when i want. But 1st i must accomplish the feat of acquiring my L's (Damn Manuverablity :{) and obtaining some sort of insurance. The latter i dont know what ill do seeing as how i dont even have health insurance. But ill have to do what i do in the meantime to make things work for the moment. But It's not like i have a choice in the matter anyways. Some are just born this Unlucky I guess.

What Am I Doing?

Im sitting here in the lab supposed to be in English wondering if I should withdraw or not. I haven't been there in exactly a week since last Wednesday to be exact. Its really sad seeing as how I think I am just being lazy by not going. I am sort afraid to show my face in class simply because I have no paper to turn in Monday and I don't feel like doing one after the other got erased. It sucks. I have to get back on track with this school thing. This week has been the worst so far. I missed 2 math classes all of my English for the week. Im passing math the but English is another subject. Im really gone have to buckle down and start concentrating on school and what I want to accomplish. Especially in English. I hate this class. I am so bored throughout the whole 50 minute class that most of the time when I am supposed to be paying attention my mind wonders to the Incredible concoction that is Ass, Lips, and Gorgeous Eyes. All of which belong to a certain someone in another class, Who when I get to school I am anxious to catch just a glimpse of. Too bad that this someone never seems to notice me. Even after I got all cute yesterday I didnt even see this person, and found myself slightly dissapointed in a way. I guess thats why they call it a crush.

Trying to get over this person is hard as hell when you see them almost everyday. I wish i just had a clear sign or something to go by, but with no clear sign im just left wondering at the end of the day. With so many "What If's" floating through my brain i know i would feel low if this person was in fact like me and i didnt take a chance, but then if this person isnt there would be so many risks, so many things that could go wrong. Who really knows. I guess only time will tell.

1st

Finally a place where i can document all the daily bullshit that seems to form a road block in my path. My desires for Love, Happiness, Acceptance, and the ability to one day Stand On My Own 2 Feet and be Financialy Stable. And the Ugliness in this world that stresses me to no end, Never ceasing in the ability to break me down once again. This is that place....